Misery and Memories
by FieryBrunette
Summary: What Sirius Black felt the night Lily and James Potter were killed. Rated T for character death, a teensy bit of language and a whole bunch of sadness. Read and Review, please.


**Author's Note: I own no characters from Harry Potter. This is probably my worst written story ever, I suck at this genre but I thought I would give it a try. Review Please!**

* * *

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. OH GOD.

He saw the smoke rising from the house. Revving up his motorbike, Sirius Black drove forward, praying, actually praying, that they got out alive.

He stopped before he even hit their block. He didn't even remember getting so quickly from the street to the house. The bike lay on the street, but he really could care less if some muggle stole it or not. All that mattered was what had happened to his best mate and his family.

The Potter House was in shambles. It looked like some monster had literally ripped the house apart piece by piece in a most savage and inhumane way. The debris was all charred as if an explosion had gone off both inside and outside the house.

Sirius sank to the ground on his hands and knees, gripping the asphalt and shaking like a leaf. Cold sweat ran down his back and an eerie silent breeze blew through the wreck.

It was gone.

_All gone. The very house that I had helped Lily and James build not but two years ago,_ He thought.

_Lily and James.... _

He leaped up with new found energy and tore towards the house like a raving lunatic. _They_ _might be alive._ He mentally mapped out the house before it had been destroyed.

Sirius went looking in the torn apart kitchen, the dining room and the living room without any luck. Finally as he walked by what would have been the stairs, he saw a pair of round glasses sticking out of the rubble.

He dove in, clawing at the planks and bits of plaster that stood in plies. His fingers began to bleed from the nails in the junk, and blister from the still burning hot debris. He didn't feel the pain, at least he didn't at the time. If he did, he must have ignored it, as there were more urgent matters to attend to.

A hand. An arm. A face with black messy hair.

Sirius pulled and pulled up broken stairs and ceiling until he uncovered his best friend. Sirius nearly laughed with relief. _James was alive. Wasn't he? There was no Dark Mark over the house, so he could still be saved._

Frantically, he pulled out his wand and pointed it at James' face.

"Enervate." He said.

Nothing.

"Enervate," He said more firmly.

Still nothing.

"ENERVATE!" He screamed into the empty night.

_But wait,_ he thought, _he could still have a pulse, check his pulse._

Sirius reached out almost fearfully and pulled his friend's slightly burnt, limp arm towards him and pressed his two fingers to James' wrist.

No pulse.

James Potter, his best friend, his brother, was gone. Dead. Never coming back.

"No," Sirius said, "No Prongs, c'mon wake up! C'mon mate it can't end this way! We are supposed to grow old together and die laughing and pranking. C'mon James you promised...

James lay still. His hair was covered in dust, his hazel eyes were closed, his mouth was open in slight surprise.

Sirius leaned forward, clawing at his shirt in agony.

"No James. No James. You aren't. You can't be."

Sirius Black had only cried twice in his life.

The first time was when his brother took his favorite broom and snapped it in half and burnt it, he was four.

The second time was when his family disinherited him at age sixteen.

But now he cried more than he had ever cried in his life. Clear blue tears fell from his eyes and landed on his friends soot covered face. His shoulder's shook as he sobbed quietly. Misery and emptiness filled him up and it was as if he had already received the Dementor's Kiss.

He groped every single corner of his mind for a happy thought. He grasped one and immersed himself in it, hoping and wishing for the ache to go away.

**_flashback_**

"Hey James?" Sirius asked, leafing gloomily through a first year edition of Transfiguration.

"Yeah Sirius?" said an eleven year old James Potter.

"After Hogwarts, what do you want to do?" Sirius asked, looking up from the book.

"Hmm, " thought James as he sat up from his splayed out position on the floor, "I'm going to be the first ever wizard king. I'm going to send all of the dragons to cook and eat Snivelly and his rotten little friends, no matter how nasty they taste, and I will ride my broom of gold to rescue Lily from the evil clutches of the troll and she will marry me and be my queen." He finished the speech looking rather winded, as if he had just recited an extremely long poem instead of answering a simple question.

"Really? Me too! Minus the Lily part." Said Sirius excitedly, standing up and walking over to where James was.

"Cool we can be wizard Kings together!" Shouted James, who started to jump on the couch.

"Yeah!" Said Sirius who started jumping on the couch as well.

"We will never die!"

"And if we do we'll die laughing!"

WIZARD KINGS! WIZARD KINGS!" They both shouted while jumping on the couch. After a few minutes of this repeated action they collapsed on the couch in exhausted laughter, their sides aching with it.

"James, I'm hungry." Whined Sirius a few moments later.

"You're always hungry." Replied James.

"Can we go to the kitchens?"

"Alright lets go bug Moony to give us back the invisibility clock, he's punished us long enough."

**_END FLASHBACK_**

Tears began to flow from Sirius' eyes like their were buckets of water inside him.

Suddenly he heard a muffled cry. He stood bolt upright, tears still spilling down his cheeks. Sirius immediately headed for the North end of the ruined house. The giant hole that was in him began to fill up with hope again.

_They might still be alive..._ He thought.

He tripped over something, cursing as he looked down at his now bleeding foot.

Red Hair....

A tiny lock of it, sitting between two mounds of plaster. Despite is fatigue and remorse, Sirius dug in, his fingers continuing to bleed profusely.

There she was. Lily Potter.

"Oh Lily," he leaned forward and kissed here cheek. It was stone cold. This time he didn't have to check her pulse, the answer was written all over her face.

Her eyes were wide open and her mouth hung open in an "O". Had she been alive, he knew she would have been screaming.

Sirius looked at her glazed over emerald eyes and emotion took over him again. He lay down next to her as she continued to look blankly up at the stars.

"I'll miss you Lils," he whispered tearfully to his friend, tucking an auburn curl behind her ear, "You know, James is dead too. I saw him. Lily, I'm sorry for pulling your hair in second year and calling you stuck up in third year. I never realized what a wonderful girl you were until a couple of years ago, though Prongs had known it all along of course."

He was babbling and though tears were coursing down his already soaked cheeks, he continued to whisper.

"Remember in fifth year when all of your underwear went missing? Well, we never told you but Prongs and I stole them. It was his idea, don't look at me like that Lils. Of course you won't be mad, You'll still love us. I remember when you first said you loved Prongs. That was probably both the most mortifying and hilarious moments of my life. Remember?"

**_FLASHBACK_**

The seventeen year old Marauders sat at the Gryffindor table in the great hall at breakfast. Peter was stuffing his face full, Remus was reading, Sirius was levitating his eggs and throwing them at the Slytherins, and James was staring moodily at a plate full of pancakes.

"Prongs mate, those flapjacks are not going to eat themselves," said Remus rolling his eyes as Sirius snickered at the word 'flapjacks', "C'mon we've got N.E.W.T.S. today. Lighten up."

James looked up glumly to say something but before he could there was a yell from the end of the hall.

"POTTER!" Lily Evans screamed as she began marching towards the Marauders, red hair flowing behind her.

"What Evans?" He said in a dull tone as the rest of his friends dove under the table in retreat from Lily's fury.

"Stop this, stop this right now." She said firmly, narrowing her emerald eyes at him.

"Stop what?" He said innocently, looking up at the ceiling.

"This." She said, gesturing frivolously around him. "You can't just stop chasing me and call it a game. You **cannot** stop making loud declarations of love or continuing to ask me out. You **cannot **James Potter and you **will not**."

"And why not?" Said James indignantly, standing up and towering over Lily, though she did not flinch.

She paused and (ignoring the rest of the gaping school) raised such a racket the walls seemed to shake.

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GODDAMMIT! I LOVE HOW YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP A CHANCE TO LET ME KNOW YOU LOVE ME NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE I AM TO YOU. I LOVE HOW YOU PISS ME OFF YET AMUSE ME AT THE EXACT SAME TIME! AND OVERALL I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DO YOUR TRADEMARK GRIN AND RUN YOUR BLOODY HAND THROUGH YOUR BLOODY HAIR. DON'T YOU GET IT? I LOVE YOU JAMES POTTER!"

The entire hall was silent. Forks and knives dropped in a clatter to plates and even McGonnagal choked on her morning pumpkin juice.

James stood there in complete shock as Lily stood still breathing hard.

Suddenly he swept her up in a passionate kiss for everyone to see. The great hall (minus slags and Slytherins) burst into applause. When they broke apart James whispered "Good enough?"

Lily smiled coyly and answered "You might need a little more practice."

Sirius scowled as he passed Remus twenty sickles while Peter lay on the floor forgotten (he had fainted from shock).

No one even heard McGonnagal shout, "Detention for public affection, the both of you!" as Lily and James walked out of the hall hand in hand.

**_FLASHBACK OVER_**

A watery chuckle escaped Sirius' lips as he remembered what he once had.

But now it was all gone...

All gone.

And it would never be coming back.

He sat up as his body was wracked with a new wave of sobs.

Was life even worth it anymore?

_My best friend and his wife, who was practically my other best friend, are gone,_ he thought sadly, _I'd be better off dead right?_

Suddenly, he heard it, the faintest whimper, about five feet away from him.

At first Sirius didn't believe it possible, but then he looked, turning so fast his neck cricked.

"Harry?" He choked wiping tears from his eyes and blinking furiously. Sirius crawled over to where the cry had come from. He didn't have to dig at all to find him. It was as if Voldemort had simply propped him up on the broken heap that was his crib once he had killed Lily and James.

Harry's green eyes were wide open and fearful and his lip trembled as he was about to cry.

"Harry." Sirius said, running over to his godson. The toddler looked at his godfather for a moment, shrinking back in fright, but after some scrutinizing his face broke into a grin of recognition.

"Pads." He said, breaking into a toothy smile and reaching out.

Despite his extreme fatigue and both mental and physical pain, Sirius scooped Harry up in his arms, tossing him up and catching him like a sack of flour. Harry laughed hysterically and Sirius didn't even try to hush him despite the hour of night.

When he set the toddler down, he began to whimper again.

"What is it Harry?" Sirius asked with genuine concern, praying he was not badly injured.

"Boo-boo." Said the toddler tearfully.

"Aw, c'mon Harry. Be strong," his godfather said consolingly, wiping the tears off Harry's face, "Where does it hurt?"

Harry pointed and Sirius looked at his forehead, almost jumping back when he saw what was wrong.

It was a scar.

A scar the shape of a lightening bolt, smack dab in the middle of Harry's forehead.

It didn't seem to hurt him too bad, but Harry was clearly uncomfortable with it.

"Alright Harry, we've gotta get outta here," Sirius said more to himself than to his godson as he lifted him once more, "We'll go see Dumbledore and be safe and then James and I can--." He stopped as the memory of James and Lily's death refilled his mind.

He sank to the ground, holding Harry to his chest, trying so hard not to let the tears fall.

He just couldn't believe it. It was too much to take in at once. Harry jumped out of his arms and ran off to go grab his sooty blankie, as Sirius slipped into another memory.

**_FLASHBACK_**

"How about James Jr.?" Said a tall, black haired man lying on the couch next to his red-haired wife.

"No way," Said Lily Potter whose belly was bulging past her sweatpants," No Juniors in this house, Mr. Potter."

"What about Sirius Jr.?" Sirius asked, sitting on the floor, leafing through a baby name book.

"Are you kidding?" The married couple burst out simultaneously, laughing when their friend began to pout.

"Well," said Sirius, "It says in here that some parents name their kids according to their external characteristics. If it's a girl with red hair you can name it Ginger, if it's a boy with James' hair you can name it Spike. I would just name the kid Hairy, because with with parents with 'dos like yours, there is no way the kid will be bald.

"What?" Said Lily, looking up from her knitting.

"Padfoot, you've lost it, my friend," said James, "Ginger? Spike? No."

"I like it." Said Lily wondrously.

"WHAT?!" James shouted as Sirius did a victory dance for giving a good idea.

"I said I like it." Lily said indignantly (pregnancy does that to you, you know).

James was slack jawed as Sirius continued to dance around shouting, "Ginger and Spike! Ginger and Spike!"

"Lily," said James disbelievingly, "I love you and I will do anything you want me to, but please, PLEASE, don't make me agree to name our kid Ginger or Spike."

"What? No, silly, not that name," Lily said, giggling. Sirius stopped dancing and James beamed.

"Then what Lils?"

"Harry," she said simply, "Harry James Potter. Your name comes to use after all, dear."

"Yes... YES!" Cried James, who began dancing around, "We've got it!"

"And we owe it all to Sirius!" Lily cried, eyes overflowing with unnecessary emotion.

"What?" Said Sirius absentmindedly.

"C'mere Padfoot." She said happily, waddling towards him.

Sirius flinched, expecting to get walloped. But instead, Lily planted a big kiss on his lips.

"Hey, mate, step away from my woman." James growled jokingly.

"Oh shut up." His wife said.

"Oh My God." Said Sirius, staring off into space.

"What?" They both asked worriedly.

"What if Harry's a girl?"

**_END FLASHBACK_**

"Pads?" A little, tentative hand touched Sirius' cheek where a tear was lying. He blinked hard, willing the tears to go away, but more came down as a result.

"Hey Pads," Harry said smiling, "Hey hey hey Pads."

Sirius grinned, despite the heavy weight on his heart. Pulling Harry close, he hugged him, the toddler laughing as Sirius' stubble tickled his ear.

CRACK

Sirius froze, shushing Harry's giggles and tucking his Godson behind him. Harry gripped his pant leg as Sirius pulled out his wand.

Someone had just apparated onto the front yard, and he wasn't about to expect anyone particularly friendly.

A shadow moved and Sirius lunged at it, making sure Harry was safe behind him.

"STUPEFY!" He roared. The spell bounced off whatever he was aiming for, the object obviously being very big and tough.

The thing ran towards him and two hard hands picked Sirius up around his middle, nearly cracking his ribcage.

Harry cried out as a big whiskery face appeared out of the darkness.

"Sirius? Sirius Black?" Said the figure confusedly.

"Hagrid?" He wheezed upon recognition.

The hands released Sirius as he fell to the ground in a heap and Harry began to cry.

"What the ruddy hell are ya doin' here?" Said Hagrid, bending down to look at them. "I thought you was you-know-who or summat. How ya doin' there Harry?"

Harry, who now stopped crying, was in awe of the half giant and gaped openly when he was addressed.

"We, well, I saw the house smoking and came over. Lily and James are dead." Sirius said, feeling extremely empty, hollow and emotionless.

Hagrid looked down, whether he was crying for them or him, Sirius could not fathom.

"Sirius, I 'erm... I'm so sorry." Hagrid said, his hairy face now glistening with tears. Sirius could tell he was truly sorry.

"Well," Sirius said finally after a prolonged silence, "I'm taking Harry and were gonna hide from both Voldemort and the rest of the evil in the world." Harry reached for Sirius' hand and grasped it.

Though Hagrid was still crying, he managed to rasp,"I can't let yeh do that Sirius."

"What?" Sirius said, caught off guard by the gruff reply.

"Yeh can't take Harry," He said firmly, "Dumbledore wanned me to pick'im up and bring'im to him. I swore I would."

"But no, you can't." Sirius said desperately, looking anywhere but at him. "Harry's all I've got left. You... you can't just take him from me."

"Sirius, I know how yeh feelin' but I-."

"NO YOU DON'T!" Sirius screamed, losing all dignity at once. Harry looked terrified at this sudden anger and stepped back.

"You don't know what it's like to have lost everything and anything you've ever held dear to one person. You don't know what it's like to have the one person you felt could understand you, gone. This whole entire was is about losing and gaining. Well I've lost so much that gaining all still wouldn't heal all the wounds that have been inflicted upon me. You can't take my last bit of family away Hagrid, you just... can't."

By the time Sirius had finished his rant, he was on the ground once more, sobbing and shaking with pain. Neither Hagrid nor Harry said anything.

Finally, he sat up decidedly and said, "Take him."

"Wha'?" Hagrid said.

"Take Harry to Dumbledore. He'll be safer that way. I'll be on the run 24/7 and Harry needs to stay in one place and grow up right. He needs a good stable childhood. Dumbledore'll give him that I'm sure."

Hagrid smiled sadly. "Allrigh' then, I'll just take Harry 'n go."

"Wait," Sirius said, standing up, "Take my motorbike. Harry can't do side along apparition yet and besides he loves riding in the motorbike."

Before Hagrid could protest, Sirius summoned it, scooped Harry up and stuck him in the front seat/basket area. Harry screamed with laughter and clapped his hands as he realized what he was about to do. But when Hagrid climbed onto the bike and not Sirius, he frowned confusedly.

"Pads?" He asked expectantly.

"I'm sorry Harry, I...I can't come," He said miserably, "You'll be safe with Hagrid, I promise. Try to stay outta trouble big guy and... don't you start kissing girls till you turn seventeen. You hear me?"

Harry stared blankly at Sirius for a moment and then his eyes began to water at the realization that he would never see his Godfather again. He reached out and touched Sirius' cheek.

"Pads..." He said tearfully and began to cry. Sirius hugged and kissed him briefly, hating himself for leaving his Godson. He wrapped Harry in a blanket and Hagrid took off.

Sadness was erased from Harry's face as he laughed at the rush of cold air on his face. Off they road into the night sky.

Sirius watched them and didn't blink till the bike and it's passengers had completely vanished.

He looked around at the rubble around him one last time. The aurors would be on there way soon, and he needed to be on the run now.

"Goodbye Lily. Goodbye James." He whispered as the wind carried his words away.

Sirius Black slipped into the nearest alleyway.

Seconds later, a onyx colored dog trotted out of the alleyway, practically melting into the cool, night atmosphere as it whined and mourned at the luminous moon.

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**Author's Note: So what do you think? This took me ages to upload so I worked pretty hard but you can still bash me for writing such junk. I tried my hardest not to make Hagrid sound like a redneck so I apologize for doing that. I'm not really sure if Harry could really not talk then but I wanted a soft emotional side to this story besides death. Review pretty please.**


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